Coolest Entry EVER

There are so many things that we, as normal, "I have a boring job, a car, maybe a couple cats, an apartment etc." folks will never be able to do. So what?! Doesn't mean we can't make things up! That is exactly what I am about to do. I am going to give you my "5 Athletes to Bring to a Party" team. Each guy brings something special to the team, so I'll go into detail to let you know why these 5 guys would instantly make you awesome. Get em'

MY SQUAD:
Team Captain: Tom Brady (QB, New England Patriots)
Drinking Game Specialist: Kobe Bryant (SG, Los Angeles Lakers)
Enforcer: Ron Artest (Crazy Ass, Los Angeles Lakers)
Camera Man: Steve Nash (PG, Phoenix Suns)
Funny foreign guy that's not Canadian: Rudy Fernandez (Guard, Spanish National Team)

TOM BRADY aka TB12 - TEAM CAPTAIN

Yeah, I know this is a basketball blog, but since this really has nothing to do with basketball anyways, who cares? Tom Brady is the ultimate guy. Most men hate him and I can totally see why. He plays quarterback for the Patriots, is rarely ever touched and seems to care a lot about the way he looks. The deduction most people get from this? TB12 = Gay. That's fine. I'm still putting him in charge of my squad. I think most guys are jealous because, let's face it, there's not a high percentage of males that don't want to be Brady. First off, he's so bad ass that he has two first names, when you're as good as TB12, a last name isn't necessary. Secondly, he is "the cool main character" in every high school teen drama. "Oh hi, I'm Tom Brady. I'm a good natured, handsome man that just happens to be the starting quarterback on a great team. People seem to dislike me, but once they get to know me it's all good!"That's got to be every guys secret life fantasy. 1) Good looking 2) Amazing quarterback. Have  you ever seen him at a press conference? A journalist's dream! Anything that he's done wrong can be turned into the greatest statement ever! He has this stupid amount of charm that would get him out of any bad situation. For instance, in football:

Reporter: Hey Tom, you threw that interception in the second quarter, but it definitely looked like the defender had grabbed your face mask.

TB12: Ya, you know that was all my fault. The guy came through the line and just got a good grip on my face mask and that's just a throw I need to make really. We come out and practice hard every day and I know if I was a little more focused I could've got that one in there.

Reporter: Really Tom? I mean, it was a clear penalty. It looks like the ref missed the call.

TB12: Ya, the refs were doing a heckuva job out there today and I can't thank them enough for going out and giving it their all every Sunday. The only thing that "missed" was that pass I threw apparently. (Flashes Golden Smile)

Entire Press Congregation:  HAHAHAHAHAHA! TOM BRADY IS SO COOL!

Imagine him in front of a judge for a crime.

Judge: Mr. Brady, you are being charged with running over an 85 year old woman's cat on purpose. How do you plead?

TB12: You know I can't say enough about my neighbor. She's out there every morning at 6 AM getting her daily newspaper with her cat and she gives it her all, day in and day out. And that cat is just great, I mean he's always following her around scratchin' on stuff and sleeping, I just live in a great neighborhood with great people.

Judge: What?

TB12:  Hey I just want to thank my lawyers over here because I wouldn't be the defendant I was today without a great team of lawyers protecting me out here. They just do a great job and I'm going to walk out of here a free man even though I ran that cat over faster than Randy Moss on a go route over the middle. (Flashes Golden Smile)

Judge and Jury: HAHAHAHAHA! TOTALLY NOT GUILTY BRO!

You see? Tom Brady is just awesome. Some of the particular skills he brings to the table:
Great Communications: As a QB, he's known to direct an offense and a group of guys going out to a party is always on the offensive. They need a strong leader with communication skills to lead them to victory, whether it be with women or a bar fight.
Natural Charm: He can say the right things at the right time. This can be used to break up a fight or get the cops to leave.
Good looks: Combined with the charm, he's going to do work.

TB12 Team Captain.

KOBE BRYANT aka "The Black Mamba" - DRINKING GAME SPECIALIST

If we know anything about Kobe, it's that he hates to lose. That is why I would partner up with him for every drinking game. Imagine you're playing beer pong. You better not miss any cups or Kobe is going to be pissed of first of all. Second of all, let's say you're locked in a tight game with two fat frat boys, 1 cup to 1. You miss your shot, people are gathering and watching, you're embarrassed, Kobe is pissed off and staring at you like you just clubbed a baby seal that he wanted to club first, the frat boys are high fiving and adjusting their hats to be even more backwards. Then Kobe Bryant, the best closer in the NBA, the Black Mamba, a stone cold, ice in his f'ing veins assassin, steps up and drills the shot. The crowd goes wild, the frat boys go from cool to "average fat kids that really shouldn't be cool" and Kobe calmly starts setting the cups up again like nothing happened then says, "Who got next?" So many drinking games rely on a guy finishing the game. Take the same scenario for flip cup, Kobe would flip that shit so fast you'd think he was cookin some Aunt Jemima pancakes! The best thing about "The Mamba" is that as the night goes on, most people get more drunk. Kobe only gets more pissed and competitive. Also, Kobe is going to be the dick who doesn't let everyone drink all your beer. That's Kobe's beer, don't touch it.

The skills Kobe brings to the group:
1) As stated above, the competitive nature will get you noticed at  most parties. Kobe will show his superiority by beating every other male at the party...at everything. Some guy: "Bro I just took 6 shots!" Kobe's reaction? Take sixteen shots and tell that punk ass to step his game up. There is a negative to playing with Kobe though. Once you appear to dominate the competition, a couple girls are bound to step up to play for fun. KB24, instead of just letting the game go and getting to know them, will absolutely obliterate these girls and then tell them to "get off the table." Damn it Kobe....

2) Kobe demands the best out of people. Are you really going to wear that shirt out tonight? Not on the Mamba's watch.  Kobe's going to have everybody ready for this damn party, whether they like it or not. Expect him to have a full scouting report and game film of every drinking game participant. He'll also know what strategies will work best for picking up certain girls. Kobe comes prepared. Let's not talk about the Colorado incident...

RON ARTEST -ENFORCER
Plain and simple. When you're at a party where people are getting hammered, someone might try fight you for no reason at all. Think about the two aforementioned athletes on my squad. Brady is bound to swoop in on someone's girlfriend and Kobe is going to piss some people off during a game of BP, so having a guy like Ron would really come in handy. Besides that, Artest would be a good guy to hang out with. I mean, ya, the NBA seems to give him a bad rap, but really he hasn't done anything stupid as of late. When he's doing interviews he's laid back, quirky and seems like he'd be a loyal friend. Ron's going to make sure your crew is having a good time. Quietly pouring shots and getting people going. I see him as one of those guys you walk up to because he's kind of standing there swaying from side to side, obviously hammered.

"Ron you OK bruh?"

"Ya man, I'm coo." *cue cool guy hand shake*

Nobody is going to mess with you when you've got Ron-Ron on your squad. Despite his friendly demeanor, he does seem like a guy that would snap for no reason at all. You could bring 300 beers to a party and if a guy accidentally grabbed one, Ron would probably get really pissed for no reason and start a brawl.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: Someone at the party is trying to be friendly and is tossing cans out to people.
"Hey Ron! Catch this beer!"
*Tosses Beer*
Ron: "What the F*CK!?!?!"
Instant brawl.

STEVE NASH - CAMERA MAN

If you've ever seen Steve Nash, during games, outside of games, he's a very cool guy. He's also very good with film and working a camera if you've ever seen any of his short movies. Nash would be the guy that doesn't drink a lot that just chills in the background with a group of people telling funny stories. He'd also be a very cool bartender. Any time you want a good drink, Nashty is there for you. He'd keep everybody chill and would be the most enjoyable person out of the group. If someone has a problem with this Canadian, they just need to leave the party. He dated Nelly Furtado too. Come on...


RUDY FERNANDEZ - FUNNY FOREIGN GUY (that isn't Canadian...)

A few people may not know who Rudy Fernandez is, so let me explain. He is a basketball player from Spain with a faux hawk and a cool accent. Bringing Rudy along is like partying with the foreign exchange student. Somehow, between the funny accent and the clothes from 1997, everybody loves him. Whether it be the bros who somehow find it amusing to make him do all sorts of American drinking activities or the girls who think he's "cute." Rudy would be great because you could walk up in most situations and say, "Hey, my foreign friend here has never tried 151! Is it cool if he gets a shot?" or "Hey, my foreign friend here has a loveable accent, are you girls interested in having him say things?" It always works. The other thing I like about Rudy is that he plays basketball with a little flair, he just has this different style which oozes cool. So, put him in a party environment and who knows what he's going to do!

LUCAS' FIVE

 Randy Moss: Not only would I get to hang with the dude in his juice bar, I'd probably shake...his hand. Yeah, he smokes weed. So what? Have you been to college? Randy has. So have I. So there we go, something in common. I'm pulling for the Pats to bring back their winning ways so Randy and my boy Wes Welker can get the rings they deserve. Randy would also probably lend me 10 grand if I asked. It ain't shit.

Brett Favre: No...not Brett Favre...Well...Yeah, Brett Favre. No!...Maybe I'd hang with...nah...YES! Brett Favre! I'd hang with Brett Favre. He's been one of my favorite players since I was like 13.

Eddie House: Yeah, we know. I'm a huge House fan. If someone was smacking us backside the head, it's time to "Whoop Somebody Ass." Besides, he knows people. Played with pretty much every All-Star in the league at this point. And I'd meet D-Wade if Eddie invited him to his "House" party, which he invited me to first. 

Albert Pujols: By far, my favorite player in baseball. I'd hang with him cuz he speaks decent English and he seems like an approachable sort of guy. Then we could go find out where Red's 2nd baseman, Brandon Phillips, hangs out at, then go beat the shit out of him for talking shit about the Cardinals. 

Al Harris: The dude has that signature finger point "we're number 1" any time he picks the ball. I figure, he like to steal stuff. Take him to Pike Place Market in Seattle. The fisherman toss a big ol' bass and BOOM! Al Harris leaps out of nowhere and runs off with it, pointing to the sky! We could hang out at a Les Schwab. "Hey, Hank, throw me that there wrench!" BOOM! Al Harris hops in front of the throw and is gone down the street. You see someone you hate moving in on a girl. BOOM! Al Harris sweeps her off her feet and carries her to a nice beach, pointing at the sky again for no reason at all.












There you have it: my Fav Five. 

NBA 2K12, Listen Up!

As a professional athlete, you are going to  be scrutinized, criticized and Jim Romeatized no matter what you do. You become an assett or a commodity to the league and your worth is based upon your production. Simple enough. This leaves the door open for everybody to judge what you do on a daily basis and what is most important is your play. Because most of the time, off-field issues can be supplanted by great play. Kobe Bryant's famous case in Colorado for instance. So what we are going to do here is look at the play of a group of NBA players and decide if they are overrated or underrated. We have done our best to take out personal bias and contractual interests. For instance, if a bad player gets a mega contract, we aren't going to hold that player to his contract value. An example would be Darko Milicic. Looking at his current contract we would say that he is overrated. Taking the contract out of the situation and gathering a general public feel based upon media and friend's opinions, Darko isn't really overrated, he just sucks.

So thank you to everybody who contributed to the list: Luke, Anthony (who came up with the idea), Jordan and Matt. Good looks also from Robert who not only contributed to the list, but helped settle a few of the in-betweens on the list. Also, he informed me that Deron Williams is overrated and that he is the 11th best point guard in the NBA. You learn something new every day.

Without further ado, Lucas and I give you an analysis on overrated and underrated players in the NBA.

Glen "Big Baby, Uno-Uno" Davis
Bjones: This was one of my favorites on the list because it's so hard to tell with bench players. In that context though, I really do like what Davis brings to the table. He isn't the most physically gifted guy on the court, but he plays hard and he has a passion for the game. I was on the fence for awhile between underrated or neither, but Robert brought up a good point. When you look at his companion, Nate Robinson, Davis brings a little something different to his team. Nate can come out and score 40 and get the crowd pumped, but that's very rare, his team is not necessarily better when he's on the court. When you bring G-Deezy in, he might not score 40, but he'll hustle and give everything he has to give his starters some rest. He comes in and does what is expected of him. 

Lucas: Loved him at LSU, love him on the Celts. He won a ring fairly easily, with a much smaller role in 2008. In the past two years, he has proven himself to be a key player on Boston, both as a starter when KG went down, and in the 2010 playoffs. I'm not going to call him underrated, but the guy deserves some attention. Big Baby plays hard. Sometimes I just wish he could rebound a little better...*KENDRICK PERKINS*COUGH*!!!!

VERDICT: UNDERRATED

Pau Gasol
Bjones: Everybody knows I love Pau Gasol. I think he's the best big man currently playing in the NBA. He's versatile, great with both hands, has an array of post moves, a 15-foot jumper, solid rebounding skills and is smart defensively. People dislike him because he looks so goofy and gangly, but damn, he is so skilled! It may not even be that he is skilled, he just has a great basketball IQ. His passing ability is amazing for a big man and he sees things offensively that are just too hard to game plan against. I think the best thing about Gasol is his passion for the game. It's what I like about most European or foreign players. They seem like they are here to play the game and nothing else. I remember earlier this season the media was trying to stir something up because Pau stated that the offense would be smoother if Kobe wasn't shooting so much. He was right, and he said it because he knew he was right. Kobe even admitted that he was right. The bottom line is, Gasol could care less about Gucci, whippin Benzes or showing up in music videos. He's here to play basketball and win games. It's hard to find skilled players like him with the mindset of "I'm here to win, f*ck everything else."

Lucas: Well this guy seems to be the ingredient that really launched the  Lakers back to championship status. Not even three full seasons in LA: 3 Finals, 2 rings. We've touched on this before: Pau is a beast.

VERDICT: UNDERRATED
 
Gerald Wallace and Stephen Jackson
Bjones: It was suggested that I put these guys together. For what reason? I don't know, but both of these guys are very good players and are responsible for Charlotte's rise in the NBA. G-Force and Jax are tenacious on both ends of the floor and they don't get a lot of props. For what they have done in their careers and for their teams, these guys should probably be noticed a little bit more. Production, wins and hustle. Gotta love that.
Lucas (on Gerald Wallace): He doesn't put on a show during the Slam Dunk Contest, but he's crazy on the court, helping the Bobcats make the playoffs. I just now recalled that that did in fact happen. However, he has had a number of strange injuries, including a concussion, a broken rib, and a  collapsed lung. Nicknamed "Crash", it's Charotte's hope  that Wallace's career can stay on the rise and not crash (INSERT BJONES COMMENT: Zingggg!).

VERDICT: UNDERRATED

Danny Granger
Bjones: I saw arguments for both sides on this one. Danny Granger is a player to look out for, actually he has been. He is now the face of the Pacers and will be the anchor for that franchise as long as he is there. There is not much of a basis for him being overrated. He was an All-Star last year and he deserved it. Granger is an efficient scorer and capable defender. Maybe with Darren Collison coming in DG will get the props he deserves.

VERDICT: UNDERRATED

Chauncey Billups
Lucas: Used to be amazing to me, then I kinda stopped caring until last year when I finally started paying attention to the Nuggets again. Made the All-Star team...BJones will kill this one off for me.

Bjones: B-b-b-b-b-b-BILLUPS! What else does he have to do? Seriously! What else can he do? "Mr. Big Shot" is a champion and finals MVP, yet he's kind of hard to remember if you're talking about the top 5 point guards in the league. He is a leader and a great competitor. Always has been. He just doesn't demand the attention of a Williams or a Paul, yet if he's on your team, everybody gets better. What if he traded places with Tony Parker? The Spurs are better. Jameer Nelson? The Magic are better. Chauncey is a winner and his leadership is amazing. Could you imagine having to deal with Kenyon Martin acting like a punk ass, Chris Andersen acting like a punk ass, and JR Smith just being a punk ass?! I bet Coby Karl is a punk ass too, he just hasn't admitted it. Seriously though, if Parker was running this team, they would not be cohesive. In the locker room, I'm thinking, if Billups says something, people shut up and listen. He's the vet and leader. Melo bought into the winning attitude and has become a better player because of it. If you think Billups doesn't deserve more recognition, look at the Nuggets pre-Billups and the Pistons post Billups. Yup.


VERDICT: UNDERRATED


Tim Duncan
Bjones: Timmy is just good. Best power forward ever? One could easily make the argument. He's never bad. He just wins. For some reason, because he's as boring as a Peyton Manning visit to a strip club, we just kind of shrug him off. The fact that we were able to watch greatness over the last decade, yet somehow avoided it is kind of sad. Superstar: yes. NBA great: yes. Underrated: Hell yes, and we're going to miss him when he's done.

Lucas: I think he's a great player in his own right, but I think that he needs to supporting cast much more than most "superstars". Yes he's won 4 rings, but those were all real solid team efforts, with different keys each time. It was a pretty weak season by Spurs standards, although they beat a heavily favored Mavs team. Then they got swept by the Suns...So...who's to blame? Duncan is at the point where his career will remain consistent, but not special.


VERDICT: UNDERRATED


Rudy Gay
This is difficult. I believe Rudy Gay has not lived up to his potential, but he is not a bad player. No one is elevating him to superstardom except his GM, plus he's never been named to an All-Star team; probably because he has two other great players playing his position in Melo' and Durant. He will average about 20 ppg and 6 reb. yet he's kind of buried in Memphis. I think he is one of the better young players in the league. It's going to take a breakout year for people to stop sleeping on him.

VERDICT: UNDERRATED

Amar'e Stoudemire
Cool guy. Explosive and athletic. Fun to watch.  Never averaged 10 rebounds in his career. Terrible defensively. Getting worse every year in the playoffs. Overrated.

VERDICT: OVERRATED

Brandon Roy
Bjones: Rookie of the Year, All-Rookie team, All-Star, All-NBA team; Brandon Roy can't be labeled as overrated. On the other hand, he still seems to be flying under the radar. It seems like people have doubted B-Roy since he came into the league, but I believe you can build a franchise around him. He's got great size, his skill set is awesome and he's clutch. His leadership skills are getting better and better so Portland is in great hands. People need to realize that Roy is in the elite group of top 15 players in the league; he's not to be treated like Jason Richardson.

Lucas: ROY Roy can straight up do it all. If you think he's out for the season, he'll come back to play in the  playoffs. I point the biggest key of his success to the UW. He could have gone early in the draft, but chose to stay for his senior year, fine tuning what was already a balling machine. His NBA career so far is nothing short of BlazerLegend, a phrase which I just made up. He has exceeded where Greg Oden failed. Only problem is that I can't see him winning a title in P-Town, sorry to say. Maybe they'll make some trades or AI will come off the bench...

VERDICT: UNDERRATED

 Trevor Ariza
What can I say, I loved Ariza with LA. Unfortunately, he overrated himself, asked for a stupid contract and, since the Lakers aren't the 76'ers, they told him to GTFO. Underrated as a Laker, overrated in free agency, overrated in Houston and will probably be overrated in New Orleans. He's a number 3 guy, not 1 or 2.


VERDICT: OVERRATED


Yao Ming
The Rockets, China and the NBA had great hopes for Yao Ming. Could a player that size be effective in the NBA? Hadn't really been proven yet (Shawn Bradley, hella good).  Say he's overhyped, fine, but when he's on the court he changes the game. It's unfortunate for the league and fans that Yao has been hurt. He averages a near double-double and two blocks. Just because he's 7'6" doesn't mean he needs to average 30-20 and 5 blocks. Give me a 7 footer with those numbers that shoots over 80% from the line any day.

VERDICT: UNDERRATED

Carmelo Anthony
Bjones: I believe Melo may be the most compelling, interesting player on this list. He's known as a star in the league, one of the most recognizable names, yet, he's just kind of there. Ever notice that? He's a great player, but he hasn't really brought his team to the forefront of the NBA. Why is Melo so quiet? I mean, we know about Chris Paul, we know about LeBron, Wade, Kobe, those guys all have this niche and they really stand out. Somehow, in Denver, Melo is stuck in the back. I think the problem is, he doesn't have a rep. CP3, maybe the best PG in the league, LeBron is possibly the best player in the league, same with Kobe. Buried beneath this is Melo. An All-Star who is not the best player at his position, who has never led his team to the finals or lived in a compelling city like New Orleans. In other words, we have a great player who is living a bland career. Now with all this drama going on and him probably leaving, I think we're going to see something different. He's going to be a championship contender and a top 5 MVP candidate. So, just for the sake of this column. I have to believe Melo, though a star, is still being doubted a little too much.

Lucas: I  dunno...I've actually never been a huge fan  of Melo in the NBA. Not sure what it is, but I've never pulled for the Nuggets. Yeah, Anthony is still good, but he hasn't won a championship (Lebron  James),  and is it just me, or did he gain 100 pounds?

VERDICT: UNDERRATED


Rashard Lewis
Maybe he's playing out of position, maybe he's getting old, maybe coming out of high school has caught up with him, but Rashard Lewis has just sucked recently. The Magic brought him in to space the floor and be a rangy, lanky forward. Well, now, he stands around the perimeter launching threes and not hitting many of them, all the while being manhandled on defense. Rashard is not a capable power forward, so I can't knock him for doing what his coach deems best, but damn, he is such a defensive liability. Everyone seems to be stronger and more tenacious.The good thing about him is that he has stayed healthy recently, but the fact is, he's just not very athletic anymore, he never bulked up and does not have the heart to consistently perform in the playoffs.


VERDICT: OVERRATED

Dude, you're just a douche...

Introduction by Lucas León
The summer wears on, with nothing really exciting going on in the world of sports, except for the newly revived Arena Football League Playoffs. Oh, you hadn't heard about that? I just found out too. Anywho, what better way to keep the blogs rocking than with another uselessly awesome list?

Today's Subject: Douche Bags of the NBA

Which NBA players do we look back on and say "He was a real D-Bag Johnson?" Fear not, because a large can of the douchiest douches shall now be opened!!

Anderson Varejao - Bjones

 I despise Varejao. You already know I have  a problem with his "role" as an "energy player." I mean seriously, if he comes off the bench, runs around in circles, tips a rebound and falls over whenever anyone comes into contact with him, does that make him an energy player?  I don't want to hear Reggie Miller say, "Oh and just look at the energy Andy Varejao brings off the bench!" after Varejao trips over his own shoe lace and somehow forces a turnover. If there is any rule change I would like to see, it would be the flopping rule. Just watch Varejao. I'm pretty sure he attempts to draw a charge about 8.72 times per 35 minutes. That has to be a real stat. I mean, he's a big guy and if Earl Watson drives into him, I expect him to jump up, block the shot and Spartan Kick the little dude in the chest. Alas, he's not Dikembe Mutombo. Either way, if Varejao wanted to spend that much time on his back, he could just play quarterback for the Seahawks! OWNED!!!!!!!!! 2 points...






Allen Iverson - Bjones
I love AI, and I miss watching him play. It will be a while before we see a player like him again. He was never known as a shooter, he had a sick handle and got to the foul line. AI had swag, he was good at scoring and really did have a "wow factor" about him. On the other hand, he's kind of a douche. We all know he wasn't too pleased with having to go to practice on a daily basis, but that tirade was just a small indicator of a bigger problem. AI, as a teammate and player was very selfish. I don't mean he didn't pass the ball enough or get his teammates involved, off the court, he has never come off as a humble guy that just wants to help his team win a championship. Ya, you're a great player and you carry your squad, go to practice, get better, build some chemistry. What if he had spent that time developing his three-point shot? Later into his career, AI has completely ruined everything. He will not come off the bench. That's ridiculous. I get that he can still play, he still has the desire, but if you have the chance to contribute to a championship team, why not? Especially late in your career. AI, you're not MVP status anymore. Until you realize this, the only team you'll be awarded to is our All-Douche Bag team. (2-2 on closing paragraphs with zingers).



Latrell Sprewell - Bjones
Though our aforementioned players are annoying (Varejao) or disappointing (Iverson) they really don't compare to Latrell Sprewell's crazy ass. Spree was a talented player, one of my favorites actually, but that did not stop him from being one of the biggest douches in NBA history. Not many people remember that he was a four-time All-Star in Golden State. Probably because of his incident with then head coach PJ Carlesimo. The incident occurred in practice where PJ asked Spree to make crisper passes, he specifically asked that he "put a lil mustard" on them. Well, we all know Spree doesn't like mustard so he told Carlesimo he wasn't trying to hear it. Big PJ came over to see what was up and of course Spree had to choke him and threaten his life. From what I've read and through years of research, this is a simulation of how I think it went down:

PJ: Hey Latrell! You're doin good out there buddy, but let's get a lil more mustard on those passes.
Spree: Man f*ck you...I ain't tryna hear all that.
PJ: It was just a suggestion (as he walks over) is everything cool Spree-Spree?
Spree: Back up or I'm finna choke ya.
PJ: What was that? (Gets choked)
Teammates pull Spree off and he walks to the locker room. As the story goes, Sprewell did threaten PJ's life and also came out of the locker room to mean mug Carlesimo before finally leaving.

So that was just bad judgment right. Naw, Spree tends to threaten people from time to time I guess. As a matter of fact, in 1995 he got in a little scuffle with a teammate. No big, a little competitive fight. Wrong, Spree left the building and came back with a two-by-four AKA large piece of lumber, and threatened to bring a gun to practice. Classic. Well it looked like Spree had moved on, yet even in his later, wiser years he still found a way to be an ignorant douche. In 2004, the T'Wolves offered him a 3 year, $21 million contract. Latrell's response? "I have a family to feed." Wow. I quit. The only "spree" he'll be going on his consecutive years on the All-Douche bag team! (3-3 baby).







Scot Pollard - Lucas
Now, people may question why he is a douche bag. In my personal opinion, he's not THAT bad, but he is one of those players that you look at and wonder how the hell they ended up in the NBA. First off, he wasn't known for All-Star like skills...EVER. Wikipedia says Pollard was known for his defensive play and unique hairstyles. Well, if you're known for the same thing as Dennis Rodman, cool. However, Rodman won 5 rings as a key player. Pollard won a ring sitting on his ass in 2008 with the Celts. Hey, that's just like Scals! But let's face it, Scals is a baller. The number of hairstyles this guy went through is unbelievable. If your hair is getting more attention than your play, you should be considered a douche bag. Not enough for you to be convinced? Well, get this: while he was with the Cavs, Pollard was sitting on the bench (of course) when a camera slid up to him. He then looked down at the camera and, on live TV, said "Hey, kids. Do drugs." WOW. Although he was kidding, in most circumstances, the phrase "Hey, kids. Do drugs," will be generally frowned upon by everyone. Except the kids who were already on drugs. Thanks, Scot Pollard. Oh, by the way, he is an alum of Kamiakin High School, here in the Tri-Cities.



Gilbert Arenas - Lucas
This guy went from "Agent Zero" to "Zero" over the span of a few years. Let's review the slow drop off the face of the Earth by Arenas: In an All-Star season in 2006, he led the Wizards to the playoffs. The next season, Arenas was putting up big numbers and the Wizards looked strong. However he tore his ACL and missed the rest of the season and the playoffs. The next season, he only played in 8 games due to various injuries. Once again, the next season, he did not play much due injuries. Finally, in this past season, he looked like the Agent 0 of old. Great, he's back! However this is where the douchiness kicks in.

-Arenas was found to have been storing firearms in his locker, which violated NBA rules. Not only this, but it violated this city of WA DC's city ordinances.
-Arenas was charged for carrying the pistol without a license to do so, to which he pleaded guilty. All's good now, right? NOPE.
-Arenas was suspended while this investigation was going on. Right before the suspension, after all the gun stuff had been brought to the public, Arenas, in a pregame intro, pretended to shoot his teammates with his fingers. NICE.
Arenas apologized for the stunt and was convicted and sentenced to 2 years probation. What a douche bag.

Q&A

This offseason has changed the landscape of the NBA for sure, leading to some interesting questions and topics. Here are a few that most sportswriters, bloggers and unemployed 40 year olds have brought up.

Q) Which team is the most well rounded in both conferences, overall?

BJONES: Well for me, the Lakers in the West and.....hmmm....I'm going to have to go with Orlando.
For me, LA was a no-brainer. D-Fish may be old and not really effective on any other NBA team, but he can run the triangle offense better than anybody else. Backing him up is Steve Blake, another pure point guard that can shoot it pretty well too. One of the best offseason pickups this year. At the two, we have Kobe Bryant. He's good. Backing him up is kind of interesting. The Lakers can go with speed in Shannon Brown, shooting in Sasha Vujacic or a mix of athleticism and lockdown D, coupled with size in Matt Barnes. Officially, I think they will go with Brown now that Blake can run the point off the bench. At small forward, Ron Artest will be entering his second year as a Laker. Backing him up will be yet another "how the f*ck did that they get that guy?!" player in Barnes. I could sit here and tell you how good Barnes is as a bench player all day, but you should know that already. At power forward Pau Gasol will yet again dominate most players at his position all year. Backing him up is the extremely talented, yet lackadaisical Lamar Odom. At Center, Andrew Bynum, if healthy, could have another solid season for the Lakers. Theo Ratliff was brought in to back up Bynum and is a major upgrade over DJ Mbenga and a former All-Star.

The Thing about the Lakeshow is that they can run so many different rotations and sets. Check it out

PG) Kobe             PG) Blake        PG) Fisher
SG) Barnes           SG) Brown       SG) Artest
SF) Artest             SF)  Bryant       SF) Odom
PF) Odom             PF) Odom        PF) Gasol
C) Gasol                C)  Bynum        C)  Ratliff

Look at that first lineup. Kobe is a 10-Time All-Defensive team candidate, Barnes is regarded as a top 5 perimeter defender and Artest is mostly known for his defense (2004 Defensive POY) outside of his crazy antics. That's a perimeter three that can guard any back court in the league; including Miami.

As for Orlando, they get the nod in the East because, despite the movement towards the East this offseason, most teams are not very deep. The Magic have Jameer Nelson and veteran Jay Williams at the point. Not extremely talented, but two capable point guards. At shooting guard, Vince Carter is somehow still playing, but a more than capable JJ Redick is starting to come along and could be a real asset when Carter goes down. At small forward Mickael Pietrus will add a scoring punch and he will be backed up by shooter Quentin Richardson. Rashard Lewis will still be ineffective and weak at the four, but they could do worse. Ryan Anderson, another shooter, will come off the bench and we learned last year he's actually not too bad. Dwight Howard shoulders the load and leads the Magic as the starting center and backing him up is "The Polish Hammer" Marcin Gortat. I love Gortat off the bench. Teams were jumping at picking up the big man last offseason and Orlando threw a lot of money at him to keep him around. He's a good player and solid backup center.

Overall, the Lakers win. I would actually take the first five off their bench versus some of the weaker squads in the NBA, they're that deep. Orlando is strange. I often am puzzled by the amount of shooting they do instead of feeding Howard. Look at all their shooters! Seriously! Oh well, they are deeper than anybody else. Chicago actually has a weak bench, Boston's bench is second to Orlando in that they are mostly energy players, and Miami's bench is just not that good.

LUCAS: In the West, I gotta agree with JonesNutz on this one: the Lakers are being overshadowed this offseason, but they are the two time defending champs and cannot, will not be ignored. They are stacked, loaded, and LETHAL. They are led by the "Operation Five Rings And Counting" duo of Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher, to start off. Fisher is straight up clutch and Kobe will penetrate any defense. (Maybe a bad word choice). Ron Artest may be f**king crazy, but the dude proved himself to be a huge part of the Lakers title run this past summer. Pau Gasol pretty much doesn't need any hype for how well he'll do once tipoff commences; he's going to destroy. Other key players include Lamar Odom, Andrew "Can He Stay Healthy?" Bynum, Sasha Vujacic, and my personal favorite underrated Laker: Shannon "Holy Shit, How High" Brown.

Now on to the East, where I must admit, the Magic are going to be big, but I'm gonna be unorthodox and go with the Miami Heat. I know, right? Why would I go with the team who has added like 20 players to it's 12 man roster? Besides the obvious signings of a few young guns such as Chris Bosh or that Lebron fella, the Heat are starting to shape up into a very good squad. Leading off, you have the one pick from the '03 draft who has won a ring: D-Wade. It's still his team, so I still see him putting up monster numbers along with some very respectable numbers from the other two big guys. Now no team is complete without the supporting roles. They have added Juwan Howard, resigned Udonis Haslem (another ring), still have Mario Chalmers, and also signed the big Z from wherever in Europe. I honestly don't know exactly how all these guys will mesh, but I recall the Boston Celtics 3 years ago adding many players in one offseason and that team won a championship. I can only assume that the amount of talent will show, as a younger version of the 2008 Celtics. Speaking of that team, the Heat managed to sign a big part of that team as well. Now I'm excited to talk about my boy: Eddie House. Coming off a shaky year, House will be ready to come off the bench to hit as many threes as he can. He is capable of raining threes with the best of them. More valuable, he brings a coach-like attitude to the court. For as long as I've followed him, he's always communicating on and off the court, which in my opinion, makes this signing the SMARTEST move for Miami. Badda Boom.

Q) Can the Heat win 70+ games?

BJONES: Jeff Van Gundy thinks so. I'm a little more skeptical. I think the level of competition within the top half of teams in the NBA is really good. That could stop them from hitting 70. On the other hand I don't see the Heat beating 30+ teams in a row. They will struggle a bit more out West and there's always a chance that a team like Boston, Orlando or Chicago feeds off hometown energy and slips by Miami. Either way, a team with LeBron James (Won 60+ games by himself multiple times), Dwyane Wade (championship and lead a terrible team to the playoffs) and Chris Bosh (lead a bad team to the playoffs) should destroy the East.

LUCAS: I can't see it happening. I can see 60 or so, but I don't see this being the 1996 Chicago Bulls or anything. That team may be the most stacked and balanced team EVER. The Heat will do well in the East, but the East isn't as weak as it was in past years: Orlando, Chicago, Boston will all play pretty well this year. Besides, who cares if they win 70? When the playoffs roll in, you start at 0-0. On paper, regular season doesn't matter. The Heat will make the playoffs, it's up to them how they do once they get there.


Q)Who will win MVP?

BJONES: I like Kevin Durant. If he picks up his rebounding, it's his to lose. Dwight Howard is kind of the dark horse I believe. The points, blocks and rebounds are hard to ignore and if he pushes Orlando to the first or second seed, he will be REALLY hard to ignore. It's hard to judge the Heat players as they will all be sharing the ball so much. LeBron could average a triple-double this year, so we'll see.

LUCAS: I'm glad Jones said Kevin Durant, because I'd REALLY like to see him win (which he will sooner or later) just so I can hear people here in the Sonicless Northwest complain some more. Seriously though, Durant is a monster. Then there's Kobe. Don't make me say why. You literally can not back up saying "Kobe sucks." NO. Shut the hell up and watch TV, you miserable Clippers fans. I'd say Lebron and Wade both have a shot too, but like Brandon said, it's possible that they will share more of the stardom. Not a bad thing, necessarily.


Q) Who can beat the Heat?

Bjones: Well, surprisingly I think there are a a good amount of teams that can beat Miami in a regular season game. The Lakers being one as they still have the size advantage and are very well rounded. Orlando is going to be tough because of Dwight Howard and strong outside shooting. Boston is a savvy veteran squad (more on them later) and Chicago is young and talented. Out West there is so much talent that I can't really write off whoever might be the top eight. In a playoff series it will be different.
For instance, Boston wants to win. They want to beat the Heat and I think that is more true for them than any other team in the East. Players in Boston have said that they are still the Eastern Conference champs and until they are dethroned, they are the team to beat. The Celtics have a win at all costs attitude and I think they could take the Heat to 6, but not beat them, based off these factors: Rajon Rondo would have to be the one to step up and his ability to take a game over is severely hindered by the fact that he doesn't have a jump shot. Paul Pierce can be locked down and will completely dissapear when another star is guarding him. Ray Allen can just be bad at times. Most times actually. So despite their great team attitude, when it comes down to crunch time, Boston doesn't have "it." I don't even want to talk about the impact of Tom Thibodeau leaving.

LUCAS: I say any team that should have a decent season this year can beat the Heat. Like I said, this isn't the most amazing team of all time because we haven't seen them play yet. Lakers, Magic, Celts, Bulls, should all have at least one win over Miami. Hell, I'll say that even the Nets and Knicks will both beat the Heat.

Q) Any trades gonna happen before All-Star break regarding contenders?

BJONES: Well if the Celtics are struggling, I want to say Ray Allen gets traded. Then again I can't see this happening because he just re-signed there and it seems like it could kill team chemistry if one of the big three gets traded. Otherwise, I know and feel something happening, but couldn't tell you. Maybe Melo' or CP3 gets moved.

LUCAS: Aw, Hell...I don't know much about this trading business. I only feel confident in saying: Yeah, there'll be some trades between contenders. Is AI still around? Trade him to whoever. Maybe some one will pick up Sheed or bring Scals back from Europe. You hear me, playoff teams? SCALS. He'll bring that needed championship cockiness to your team and he'll sit on that bench with the heart of an Irish Lion.

Birthday Wishes

As today is my birthday and I am at work, I feel it is necessary to let everybody know what the NBA should gift me. Basically NBA, what have you done for me lately? Now this wish list, while mostly unrealistic, would totally be good for the NBA. There might not be a fan out there that does not want to see most of these changes take place. Here we go:

1) David Stern gotsta' go!: Please, please, please get rid of David Stern. At least make him stand under the rim while Dwight Howard, LeBron James and Robert Swift posterize him for an hour. His smug face and stupid comments always piss me off. Hate that guy....

2) Bring the Sonics back: Seattle deserves to have their team back. If Minnesota can make roster moves that are not in the best interest of basketball, if Cleveland can lose and be pissed off for the next 20 years and if that shit-hole Oklahoma City can have a team: Seattle deserves the Sonics. Keep Durant, keep Presti, keep those nasty uniforms. We'll do an expansion draft with Las Vegas, take Shawn Kemp with our first pick, bring George Karl back, Gary Payton as an assistant and have a reality TV show to determine the GM. Seriously. Do it. This would be great.

3) T-Mac regains his old form: Tracy McGrady has always been my favorite player. He was amazing back with the Magic. You want to talk about superstars, T-Mac was up there with Kobe at one point, pouring in buckets, perennial all-star, leading his bad team to the playoffs. Watch videos of him with the Magic and everything he did was so effortless. His jumper was stupid, silly. He'd simply rise up in your face and drill it (hahahahahahahahahaha). On his drives, he would slowly cut in and finish creatively (hahahahahahaha). He was just a joy to watch and I never understood how he scored so easily, despite not being that fast or strong. Hopefully he gets something back with Detroit. Just one good year....

4) Better NBA replay system: Or maybe I just need TiVo. I watch games with people who will, no matter what the announcers see and say, no matter what the coaches reaction is, no matter if the player admits he messed up, ALWAYS wonder how the ref, "MADE THAT CALL?!?!?!" Seriously, as long as the call was on their squad it's the wrong call. I want a program where I can look at every angle and I want it to show an explanation of why it was a foul. Seriously. Charges and blocks will never be right. Get over it.

5) Kobe's best year ever: Plenty of people hate Kobe Bryant. No big. People hate Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and....hmmmm....who's good in baseball....oh well, no one watches baseball anyways, I'll have to ask Lucas. Either way, if you are a dominant athlete, people are going to say that you "suck" and that you are "gay." Don't know how that last one applies to sports talent, but doesn't seem to stop people. These last few years, Kobe-bean Bryant has been the man. He is a champion, MVP, and has a reputation as one of the most dangerous players ever because of his competitive spirit. I want Kobe to have an amazing year, just out of his mind play. The type of year we will forever remember as "The Kobe Year." I believe he's the only player right now that has the kind of drive to will himself to legendary status. Mostly due to the fact that he is older than guys like LeBron, Wade and Durant, therefore, he is more pressed for time. I just really enjoy the fact that I get to watch so many talented players competing at one time, and I want to see Kobe do something to truly set himself above the pack.

Lists, lists and lists .com!

We all know I love lists and writing about things that aren't entirely relevant to anything, so it should come as no surprise that I am bringing you yet another, POINTLESS LIST. Once again, this one comes from my good friend Lucas Leon who contributed, not only the initial idea, but his own written analysis. Look for more collabos and contributions from this galaxium of sports information (is that a word? I think it should be. Perfect for describing Lucas' knowledge of sports).
So what we have here is a list of "Bad Ass Players." This is not your typical list. Yes, Michael Jordan, Kobe, LeBron, they are bad asses, but we're talking about BAD ASSES. You know what, I'll let the list explain itself. Up first, Lucas:

Manu Ginobili is a badass. Not only does he have a nose that could take Adrian Brody's nose in a fight, he has 3 rings. That is equal to the combined number of rings between Carmelo Anthony, Lebron James, Charles Barkley, and Rick Fox. In addition, he is the only NBA player known to have committed murder on the court. (Gilbert Arenas has probably committed murder off the court) Ginobili swatted a bat out of midair, using complete advantage of his nose to point him in the exact area where the bat was flying. He's from Argentina, which is more famous for soccer. This makes Manu's feat more badass because most Argentinian athletes are penalized for using their hands (BJones note: Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh SNAP!)

Tyronn Lue used to be a badass. Once. Back in 2001, the Lakers and 76ers clashed in the Finals. This little known player that 90% of the earth has forgotten proved himself to be a valuable part of the Lakers NBA title that year. Lue was the one who guarded Allen Iverson, who had not talked about practice at the time. Clearly, something went right for Lue, as the 76ers got their asses kicked. I believe Tyronn Lue was also known for the greatest attempts to make lay-ins, perhaps now only matched by Rajon Rondo. Lue would sometimes put up floaters from the top of the key. I have no real recollection of this at all, so it might be fictional. Why  is Lue's badassery referred to in the past tense? What has he done lately?

Rasheed Wallace is and will always be a badass. Love him or hate him, Rasheed Wallace will never be compared with other hotheads who never accomplished anything. Wallace was a winner everywhere he went, except for the Hawks, with whom he played a single game (a loss to the Nets) in 2004. He proceed to go to the Pistons, meeting up with some talented young-guns. Wallace won a ring that year. Rasheed Wallace is famous for getting a technical foul if he so much as looks at an NBA ref with wide open eyes and a gaping mouth, as the most recent playoffs showed. However, these foul reactions prove to be awesome and the sign of a man who plays the game right: like a badass. From his tick/leech infested beard to the fungus-like bald spot, from his Egyptian tattoos to his gapped teeth: Dirty Sheed deserves a spot on our badass team.

BJones: That is a list of bad ass players right there. Now it's my turn to add to it. 

Stephen Jackson: The man is a bad ass. Not only does he look like a straight thug, he IS a straight thug. He's been around the league, won a ring  and struck fear into the eyes of fans everywhere. Jax just plain does not care. For example, Ron Artest gets a beer thrown on him and runs into the stands. Instead of saying, "Oh shit! I better go get Ron!" Jax said, "Oh shit! I
better go beat some ass!" So they stood there, back to back, beating up obese Pistons fans and completely disregarding the fact that they were just in the middle of a game. No biggie. If that incident wasn't enough, Jackson went to the "skrip club" with a couple teammates later that year and got into a bit of an altercation. OK, this was not an ordinary altercation. He basically got punched in the face

and was also hit by a car, the result? "His injuries were considered minor." Really? He got hit by a car! Not only that, but he got up and fired a few shots at the car with a pistol he just happened to have! This is a professional athlete and he's walking around with a pistol in a strip club! Wow! Crazy ass! In the media though, Jackson is mostly known as a thuggish person, the thing is, around the NBA he is known as a person of high character, a caring, great teammate and an all-around great person. This coming from names like Don Nelson, Rick Carlisle and Tim Duncan. In fact, "the NBA recognized Jackson for his ongoing charitable causes and presented him with the league's Community Assist Award for March 2008. During the month of March alone, he participated in a Silence the Violence rally, teamed up with Grammy Award-winner John Legend to raise funds for the Show Me Campaign, participated in a groundbreaking for a basketball court, and launched his own foundation." Jax may be a bad ass due to the fact that he'll beat you down, but he's actually one of the most well liked players around the league and a humanitarian, that's what truly makes him a bad ass.

Brian Scalabrine. He has the ring, he has the red hair, he's fat, he's pale, he shoots threes. He's a bad ass and he would beat you in a game of one-on-one. Scals is the man. No player has ever fit in better with the entire culture of a team than Scals in Boston. He is the jolly, cheering leprechaun mascot the Celtics have always needed. Not to mention, when he arrived, they won a championship. Unfortunately he might be headed overseas to be a bad ass and I think I speak for both of us when I say, he will be missed as he is probably headed overseas next season.

Well, I think that's quite a five. Let's take a look:

PG: Tyronn Lue
SG: Manu Ginobli
SF: Stephen Jackson
PF: Brian Scalabrine
C: Rasheed Wallace

That's a 30 win squad and a whoooooole mess o' bad ass.

Things I enjoy

Well, Shaq was just signed to the Celtics, but other than that, there isn't much going on in the NBA right now. So I'd like to take some time to write about things I like and dislike about the NBA. Completely random, but some of these quirky things could be similar to stuff you guys like too.

I like...
NBA beards. I have no idea why I think this is funny, but just seeing somebody with a full Chuck Norris status beard is hilarious to me. After my friend Lucas read my last powt about the Boston/Heat game, he commented, "People expect too much from certain NBA teams. The Heat are 0-1? Shoulda signed Vlade Divac..." Besides this being very true and funny, he went on to remind me that "[Divac] makes the All-NBA Beard team for sure." Ya, couldn't agree more. I asked him to throw some other names out there to fill out the beard team and he gave me: Divac, Rasheed Wallace, Bill Walton, Drew Gooden and Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Apparently the road to All-Beard First team went through the Cavaliers at one time.
I think if I were to get an All-Beard team going, I would roll with this squad:



PG: Baron Davis
SG: James Harden
SF: LeBron James (He's got something going)
PF: Reggie Evans
C: Sheeeeeeeed
Head Coach: Greg Popovich

Hey, that squad would get you some wins too.

I dislike...
David Stern. You know, years ago, my friend Robert and I noticed a startling trend. During every NBA Draft, when Stern goes up to announce the pick, people voraciously "boo" and heckle him. I'm pretty sure there is just a section of drunk guys from New York who hate David Stern and probably don't even know who he is. I always wondered what the reasoning was behind the "F*CK YOU STERN!!!"s and all the terrible comments, probably about his mother, being hurled at him.

I Hate You Guys So Much...

Now, as I've grown and watched this caniving, old, sadistic piece of shit operate the one thing I love so much, I completely understand.

David Stern is terrible. He allows LeBron James to hold his own show which was more like the NBA Draft than anything else. Seriously, the NBA reserves time slots to announce things like the Draft Lottery and the NBA Draft. Yet, Stern decides to let one player one-up the entire league in one swoop. Good for LeBron! Because all the commish showed us was that he is lost. He won't step in the way of what he sees as the future of the league. He'd rather see the NBA brand take a hit at the hands of one of its own players than stand up and say, "sorry, you are not above the league."

What else does David Stern do? Well how about his fines? Players and coaches complain about referees all the time, and they have a right to. Sometimes refs just plain suck. What happens when a coach says something? The Stern Hammer (that's right) comes down and demands money for a simple complaint. Well Stern, maybe if your refs didn't suck, weren't involved in gambling and crime rings and completely disoriented you wouldn't have so many complaints!

What about the dress code? Remember AI sitting on the Sixers bench in his SUPER TALL TEE with chains, a du-rag, fitted hat and baggie ass jeans? Ya, that was always funny. The fact that he probably paid a lot of money to look like that is....ironic? Oh well, anyways, Stern felt that the NBA should avoid black people at all costs and banned this type of "urban," "thug," "street" apparel from the sidelines. I really never understood this. What does it do? Makes Allen Iverson look like a thug in a suit? I mean, on the court he still had the tats, the rows, the 36 different headbands, arm sleeves, shooting sleeves, finger sleeves, colon sleeves and whatever else he wore. Why does putting him in a suit make anything different? Good job Stern. You just put the entire hip-hop/rap community, culture and those who love it in a corner and labeled them unproffesional thugs unfit for the public eye of America. DICK.
These are all just small things that make me hate Stern enough to let everyone know that they should also hate him.

BUT THE ONE THING THAT SETS HIM APART....

David Stern was KEY (that right there is poisonous irony) in allowing the Seattle Supersonics to be STOLEN, absolutely jacked from the city of Seattle, the State of Washington and the greater Northwest. Don't get me wrong, the OKC Thunder (or as Bill Simmons labeled them, the "Zombie Sonics") are a good, young, exciting team with players that are just good for the league. BUT WTF?! When Stern put the pressure on the people of Seattle to make a change for the NBA, he single-handedly turned the commissioner's office into a hub of political, elitist crime. The NBA was not asked to help with renovation or building a new arena, Clay Bennett's bitch ass didn't attempt to fork anything over and all the while David Stern stood right next to both those corrupt bodies and watched as the people who breathe life into his League, the same fans who create the demand which creates his job, suffered because they were not willing to renovate Key Arena for the second time, would not accept excess taxes after erecting two new stadiums and would not stand for Bennett to come in and take what did not belong to him.

Clay Bennett and David Stern. Never come back to Seattle. Don't let anyone know you were thinking about Seattle. If you have to fly somewhere that includes Seattle, go around. The only regret us fans in the Northwest have is that neither of you have any balls, as we are very inclined to kick you squarely in the "ball area" if you were ever to be seen around these parts. If and when the Sonics come back, David Stern should NEVER, EVER be allowed in the city. If he has to sign papers, fax them to his office. If he wants to come to a game, charge him for the price of the arena, because he owes us, big.

One of the funnies things I've ever heard was when my boi Jamie (the most devoted Sonics and NBA fan I know) was talking about OKC. We must have been talking about how the entire franchise's demise was due to Jim McIlvaine because he came up with one of the most horrific, yet kind of hilarious characters in the history of basketball: "The McIlvaine Mobster."

The story was, when OKC reached it's first home playoff game, a still grieving Seattle fan would walk into the Thunder arena wearing a Jim McIlvaine jersey and pretty much go bat shit crazy on everyone (hence the mobster part). Well, if I were to re-write the script as a movie, I'd have the McIlvaine mobster character come in and yell "KEY ARENA SET! BUCK!" and promptly rush the owner's box where he would choke out the team's owner "Steel Beenie." Yes, the mobster's move would be thwarted by security and he would likely go to jail for a very long time, but the message would be clear: Steel Beenie was not safe. From there, Steel would go on to give the team back to "Seatzzle" because he lacked any testicular fortitude and was scared for his life. OKC would promptly throw him in prison and trade him to Cuba for a first round draft pick.

Well, that'll do it for this one. Watch for me adding some more things I like and dislike soon.

Heat: Game 1

So, bits and pieces of the 2010-11 season have started to leak and lo and behold one of those pieces happens to be about the Miami Heat. No doubt Dwyane Wade's Miami Heat will be the big storyline this year (never mind the two-time defending champion LA Lakers) despite the fact that the season will be filled with plenty of other compelling themes, like Hedo Turkoglu, he's interesting, right?

Either way, the Heat open the season against the defending Eastern Conference champion Boston Celtics, in Boston B-T-DUB. This is a big deal. I mean Boston is still relevant and seemingly a contender. Pierce and Allen came back for another shot and let's not forget about Doc Rivers returning to the bench, maybe for the last time, assuming he leaves to watch his kids grow into lil' Docs.

What I want to do is break down some of the "COMPELLING STORY LINES ABOUT THIS ONE GAME THAT WILL SOMEHOW DECIDE THE REST OF THE SEASON FOR BOTH TEAMS!!!!" I type it like that because when these big games happen, we draw a lot of unnecessary conclusions from them. I want to clarify a few things right now, before the shitstorm of far-reaching, BS theories hits us this season.

Concerning Boston and Miami: The Game

Stupid Idea #1: "It's a must win/defining game for Boston/Miami

There will undoubtedly be those analysts who will somehow make this game a season defining contest for one team or the other. Let's run down the scenarios:

a) Boston has to win. Some will say Boston has to win because they are at home and if they want to show that they are still a dominant force and contender in the East, they need to assert their dominance against the up and coming Heat. 

That's bullshit. As we saw last year, the Celtics may be the most sporadic team in the NBA. Yes this will be a big game, but whether Boston gets blown out or wins by thirty, this game will not define anything.

b) The Heat have to win. I actually like this one. It would seem that after an entire summer of putting together possibly the best trio of NBA talent ever, the Heat would need to come out and win this first game. Not only that, but they have to do it with ease against a Boston team that is supposed to be old, weak (without their starting center) and lacking the talent to keep up with the Wade County All-Stars. 

The funny thing is, if the Heat lose the game, the media will explode. I guarantee we are going to hear, "OMG IS THIS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE HEAT?! SHOULD THEY TRADE CHRIS BOSH FOR JAMARIO MOON?! THE CHEMISTRY JUST ISN'T THERE!!!!" 

Well, no. I predict that if the Heat lose this first game, they go on to win at least ten straight. After that we will be hearing, "OMG ARE THE HEAT THE BEST TEAM EVER?!" See? There is no in between for this squad.

Stupid idea #2: The game is about LeBron vs. Boston

No it's not, shut up. As we all "witnessed" last playoffs, LeBron had a less than stellar final two games as a Cav. And please, before you get all crazy and angry about me pointing that out, please look at almost every other game he's played. Including the playoffs years before. There's a reason he was voted MVP twice in a row. LeBron played brilliantly, BRILLIANTLY, in the first series and throughout the regular season, TWICE! The man could take over games, he never needed to be clutch because he would give the Cavs a 20 point lead going into the fourth. He was probably the most rested star player in the playoffs and he was playing great basketball. You're telling me that after those two very strong games against the Celtics that he all of a sudden just had two bad games? And we're not exactly talking stat-wise yet. It's the fact that he had been in close game situations before, been in losing situations before, yet, this time, he didn't attempt to will his team to a win. LeBron never quit on the Cavs before that, when things got rough, he turned it up to some insane basketball level which only he and Kobe Bryant are able to achieve and he MADE things happen.

The Celtics are good defensively, but come on, for whatever reason LeBron did not go as hard as he had the postseason before, nor did he flip the switch that we were all used to. We're talking about the MVP here and if you want to give the excuse of "his team sucks" for those last two games, let me know when they were good. Because if we're talking about the same team here, they won at least 60 games in the past two seasons, because LeBron willed them to it. Why could he not do it that last two games, during the PLAYOFFS! Dwyane Wade's top sidekick can definitely take a game over. Let him have one bad game, that's ok, but two back to back in that fashion. No thanks.

OK, back to my point. The pressure is going to be on LeBron this game. Or atleast that's a good story to lean on. My point is, with his poor performance in those last games against Boston, people are going to say, "LeBron has something to prove!" Thus wild predictions will be made about what LeBron will do.

This is all just a joke. You know what LeBron will do? He's going to come out and quietly have one of the best games of his career. While people will be expecting him to show up and jack up shots and absolutely embarrass the C's, I highly doubt it will go down that way. The game is going to be all about Wade, just like most of the season. Wade is going to be doing the slashing, scoring, getting to the line and starting the breakaways. LeBron? He is going to sit on the perimeter, dish inside to Bosh, kill it by hitting Wade on backdoor cuts and drive and kick to Mike Miller for threes. As far as points, he's going to hit some jump shots, drive in a few times and finish on put backs. On the defensive end, say goodbye to Paul Pierce. "The Truth" is going to be a non-factor and Bron will grab quite a few boards. 

In short, Wade steals the show, but LeBron is going to be extremely efficient. 28 points, on at least 59% shooting, 9 assists and 13 rebounds. The big issue? He's not going to force anything. The offense will flow through D Wade and Bron is going to love not having to overexert himself.

Stupid idea #3: The Heat win, game over NBA!

 

If the Heat win this game, there will no doubt be a wave of praise for D-Wade and the fellas. People will praise D Wade for being the leader and core of the team. His sidekick Bron-Bron will become the most humble player ever as he put aside personal glory to win an NBA championship and Chris Bosh? He will become the de facto "We should've been talking about this guy for the last 3 years" guy and replace Lamar Odom as the "Ultimate X-Factor." 

That's all fine, but the thing is, this one game won't decide any of that. There are too may matchups in the NBA that could possibly put the Heat in a losing position. Maybe they match up well with Boston, but not Dwight Howard in Orlando. Maybe they can slow down the New Jersey Nets, but the Phoenix Suns are just too much. They might be able to get by with their slightly weak bench against Cleveland or Charlotte, but not against Dallas or Portland. What about the Lakers' clear size advantage? This one game versus Boston will be a fun game to watch, but otherwise, it's not an indicator of anything. Unless it comes down to the last shot and LeBron blocks D Wades jumper and puts up a brick. That might be bad.